TATWCMD B-SIDES: now kindly undo these straps

The two best parts about getting your period revolve around the guaranteed respite from men.  The first is obvious: you are not carrying a child and thus, run no risk of potentially being forced to tolerate the man you’ve had a couple weeks of fun with for approximately the next 18 years (but maybe less…

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15 ball-busting grindcore breakdowns to shit your pants to as your grandma brutally perishes

Twitter therapists are in an uproar, insisting that a man pretending to think something said by a woman they are sexually or romantically interested in was funny is actually a tactic of emotional manipulation/abuse.  Now, men have rarely made me laugh and yet, I mete out “hahahahas” and “LMAOs” left and right, thinking I am…

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hopelessness is me II

I was too confident when knighting Paradise City as my next shitty thing to exploit. I was aware that I was setting myself up to dedicate approximately 360 minutes of my fleeting existence to this abomination, but that seemed like nothing compared to the four months I wasted on my last relationship (also an embarrassment…

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true allegiance… to horniness

Picture it: I was hideously scene, incredibly sweaty, and at my first Warped Tour in 2009. We were waiting to watch Versaemerge, a female-fronted pop-punk band who were very catchy and talented but never amounted to much, likely because Paramore already existed and were prospering. (Had they had a male vocalist and sounded identical to,…

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